God, I just don't understand.

On Wednesday, May 2, 2018, at 11:35 a.m., nine crew members passed into eternity as their C-130 hurled to the ground. Five minutes into their flight, something had gone drastically wrong.

My gut felt sick as I watched the video of the aircraft literally fall out of the sky and explode in a cloud of smoke. Another C-130 disaster. It’s the same kind of plane our son flies--only an older version.

Nine members of the Air National Guard died that day. Nine families received a visit with news that shattered their worlds.

It's at times like these that we say, “I just don't understand.”

At 4 a.m. this morning those exact words marched through my mind. “I just don't understand.” My thoughts revolved around a situation of less magnitude than death, but hurtful nonetheless. The thought that God is ultimately in control of the situation paralyzed and confused me.

I don't understand why God doesn't make the situation better, especially since I believed He led me into it. That’s when the phrase came to mind, “God I just don't understand.”

And that’s okay.

We don’t have to understand everything.

That’s what I concluded several years ago while grieving the loss of our son. I don’t have to understand.

When I say, “God, I don't understand,” it’s often more than an admission. It borders on accusation or inquisition.

But when I realized I don’t have to understand, I began tacking on, “But I don't have to understand.” Those words move me a step away from frustration. And a step closer to surrender.

Part of me craves to know ‘Why,’ to see some logic in all the heartache, the loss. But real trust, real faith, in a sovereign God doesn’t demand answers to all of life’s puzzles. We may never understand why, but when we see Jesus and are overcome with His beauty, it probably won’t matter anymore.